Lice Olympics

Mum: “Was that one?”

Dad: “Nah…hang on, did you see that?”

Child crying….

Mum: “Hang on sweetie we are just…wow there is an army there!”

Child crying harder….

Dad: “OK time for a coffee…do you want one?”

Mum: no comment but gives kind of a scary stare and husband can feel the pointy end of the imaginary utensil going deep into his neck!

OK so a shameless play on the Olympics but according to my wife on the last lice episode she actually saw lice jumping….yes jumping! Must have been a basketball game going on my daughters head with stadium audience included. In fact as I write my head feels itchy. Why do you feel itchy when you simply talk about lice?

It is always an icky feeling when you receive the infamous warning from preschool teachers, “There is a lice breakout, please take necessary steps to kill the infestation on your child’s head before returning to school.” Funny thing is every parent can’t bear to think that their child is the carrier, must have been someone else’s kid right? It makes us humans seem so “animal like,” only pets have fleas and thingy’s, not sophisticated people like us! We fly to the moon, invented Velcro and built the Sydney Opera House….

So where do lice come from? I think they come from birds…so if you see your kid playing with a bird in the back yard, shoo it away…problem solved! In fact if everyone stopped playing with birds then we’d all be a lot happier, especially my wife, she was creeped out from the moment she saw the movie “The Birds” and has never been the same since. Pets…apparently they can live in pets, dogs etc…I think they are a slightly different variety but all the same get rid of your pets. Apparently they don’t live on whales or dolphins so if you have a tank big enough, consider a dolphin – I think they are smarter than dogs anyway!

Another good strategy is to teach your children to ask their classmates, “have you felt itchy today?” You could also instruct them to only shake hands and if they really want to show some affection they could shake both hands at once but no more than that. If you are really paranoid you could stop buying Sunsilk shampoo and simply start using lice shampoo everyday or you could shave everyone’s head….another good option.

If you are anything like us, you would probably be thinking there are bigger things in life to be worrying about. If lice were the only problem we faced, our problems could be solved with shampoo! I like the idea of that. Some of the shampoo adds I have recently seen would lead me to believe that once you use their shampoo you will have a nice car, a spunky spouse, perfect children with perfect teeth and a dog that actually listens to you – I’d buy that!

Ok…so we are not perfect, in fact we can even have a colony of unwanted parasites having a Mardi Gras parade right on top of our head. It kind of brings you back to earth and is a good reminder that even tiny lice can mess with your perfect world. So…to all you lice carrying comrades out there, lets be proud and not shame our children, lets walk into our schools and shout out loud that we are proud lice carrying hosts who don’t give a damn and we WILL not look at other children with suspicion anymore!

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