MAN FLU

Some of what I am about to share with you my wife will scoff and claim I am making it all up – this only serves as evidence of what i have to endure in my weakest moments. To add to the misery of ‘man flu’ are the eyes of the vacant and uncaring women in my life.  Everything I am about to tell you is entirely true – sort of…


Over the past few days I have been afflicted with man flu. I have been saying weird things, not finishing sentences and looking forlorn. My work mates have great sympathy and have insisted that I go home, but they don’t understand, I live with emotionless women who have a care factor of zero. 


On my sheepish announcement to my girls that I had man flu, something odd happened, our normally happy house immediately turned dark and institutionalised. Smells of antiseptic brought on from unhealed memories of the last time i had man flu filled the air and my delicious bedroom became a quarantined lifeless cubical –  lonely and no visitors.


My daughter Jazmine announces she will be the clinician that will decide my fate as though it is the perfect opportunity to balance the inequality she has been feeling about who can boss who about! Upon my announcement Jazmine disappeared and was soon back with her plastic medical kit and the hoodie on her dressing gown pulled over her head making it all a little creepy. 


With a tone of a 61 year old jaded nurse she says, “right Dad, today we are going to do a check up!” 
I squirm and squeal, ” no, no anything but the needle doctor!” 


But my cry only encourages the little deviant, the first thing she pulls out is the blue and yellow plastic needle and holds it right in front of my face as though to say, “don’t mess with me today!” With the hoodie over her face I can barely see her eyes but there is a disturbing determination in her movements that she could have only received from my wife’s DNA pool.
After my injection I ask the for the prognosis and apparently as long as I don’t move we may be able to save my arms but not my legs! Do you see what is going on here?


My wife finally comes in with 2 little blue pills of echinacea claiming that I must have them. I protest claiming they don’t make any difference but I may as well say that the world is flat in the same sentence because she sees both statements just as absurd as each other.


In an attempt to intimidate me she holds my finished my cup of tea with her perfectly plucked eyebrows lifted and presents the perfect stare. The message she is relaying? I don’t know but I feel panicked with the pressure to guess correctly even though all I can see out of my sick eyes are fuzzy people only distinguishable to me by different heights. The issue?  I somehow did the wrong thing and drank my tea too fast and now she insists that I swallow the pills without a drink – oh yea, it gets worse!


Then she takes my moment of weakness to preach about all the other things in my life that are wrong knowing I will probably just nod and agree…opportunism at its ugliest. As i pull the blanket up under my nose for protection, I hand her an imaginary microphone in protest and suggest she stands on a soap box, she says, “I don’t need a real soap box I have an internal one.” Wow cryptic! What the hell does she mean?


Finally I know I will get sympathy from my other daughter Sunny who thinks I am awesome all the time… As I cuddle her Queen Hysteria’ (my wife) and Dr Bad News (Jazmine) pull Sunny away claiming,  “your  mere presence in this house will get us all sick, why would you give her a cuddle?” Well she is kind of right but at this point Sunny is my only friend and I am desperate for some human love. 


Now as I contemplate man flu I’ve cracked the code of the woman’s strategy to get us better and out of the house….plenty of shame and an unbearable amount of torment in the hope that emotional manipulation will fast track any natural healing process – honestly I think it actually works!


So there you have it, man flu….imagine my torment if I really was sick!


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